Fame
by unpredictable.love
Summary: International pop star, Bella Swan, has all the glitz and glamour on the ouside, but on the inside she's unable to hide from, or forget the man that broke her. "He sucked the life out of me but spit life, meaning, into my music, my fame." AH E
1. Alive, Free & Broken

**Please excuse me for angsty Bella. A certain other brooding, delicious boy is not introduced just yet, formally.**

**Everything unfortunatley belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

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Rated M for a reason.

The final rift played. And I smiled, I beamed adoringly, because this was my life. This was my ultimate moment of happiness and completion.

I looked out into the sea of people, the undercurrent of applause shaking the ground, the darkness illuminated by the nearly blinding spotlight pointing straight into my eyes. It was the greatest high imaginable.

My heart broke every time I looked out into the crowd. It was as if at that single moment, all of my senses, my whole being was concentrated inside the small arena. A single tear fell unwillingly and unknowingly. This was the last show, and I didn't know whether to jump for joy, or cry mercilessly.

With one final kiss thrown to the crowd, I made my way off the stage, nearly tripping over my own two feet. When everything else changed, one thing did not. I was still as clumsy as ever.

"BELLA .. BELLA! That was … amazing … you're best performance yet."

"Thanks Mike", I said, brushing by him, sweating and ready to pass out after the head rush I got every night onstage. I always tried not to be rude around Mike, but honestly, he was the definition of a groupie. Unfortunately, Alice, my costume designer, manager, control freak- best friend had hired him as a project assistant in designing and changing my outfits throughout the tour. She called him brilliant with a needle and thread. I called him annoying.

Making my way down the hallway I pushed past stage crew, dancers, blatantly ignoring their beaming stares, words of approval, heading towards the comfort of my dressing room.

Before I could step inside Alice had me in a bear hug. "Bella you looked so, so beautiful! I think the glitter on the hem of the white outfit caught the light perfectly, and your red heels … to die for. What did you think? So much better than your outfits were last week in Tokyo." She bounced onto the couch, a ball of energy, talking a mile a minute and patting the space next to her. No matter how many shows we did, Alice always possessed the same enthusiasm for each and every one.

"It was great Al," I sighed reluctantly sitting down, throwing my stiletto heels off, and curling up into a ball. "It's just, at this point I'm running on empty, we've been touring for the past year and I'm soo … soo done. I'm kind of relieved tonight was the last show. I'll miss it, I'll miss the music, but we both need a break, maybe a trip to Hawaii," I giggled.

"You…tired? But you're the indivisible pop sensation, 'The Swan.' You never get tired, remember?" Alice chuckled, swatting my arm, all wide eyed, and full of life, heading over to the bouquets of flowers along my vanity. She was as beautiful as ever, dark, short hair, pale skin, high cheek bones, short, thin frame, full red lips - but I couldn't help but notice the black circles under her eyes. She was exhausted

We'd been together, inseperable, for so long, in our own little bubble on the road. I couldn't imagine how life was before, or how life would be after.

Re-arranging a bouquet of orchids, she looked over suddenly shyly, "Uhm Bella … you wouldn't mind .. If I went out with Jasper tonight - I hate leaving you alone but, it's our four year anniversary and we've been moving around, you know, and he flew out especially for me."

My face fell. Jasper was Alice's fiancé, a small time musician from back in Forks that I introduced her to after we sung together at a small club nearly five years ago. I sometimes felt guilty, bad, pathetically responsible for keeping Alice away from him. He was a southern gentleman, and his laid back charm fit in perfectly with Alice's quirky, hyper personality. I knew they'd be married as soon as Alice was off the road for good.

"Of course you can go Alice" I frowned "You don't even have to ask me, I love Jasper. Happy anniversary by the way, you know how things are, or I would have gotten you a present, or at least have taken you out."

"Don't worry about it. Just being here seeing you perform every night is enough for a lifetime. There's knowhere I rather be." She smiled genuinely, hugging me tightly. "By the way, I left a bottle of wine, dropped off as a present near the door from some admirer, adoring fan probably" …. she lingered near the doorway before exiting, "are you sure you're going to be okay tonight, alone. I worry about you, you know. I hate leaving you."

"When am I not okay? Shut up, and go have some fun or something. Have Jasper knock you off your feet." I shot her a dazzling smile, got up, kissed her goodbye, nearly having to force her out the door as she looked back reluctantly, shooting me skeptical glances, before finally relenting.

Locking the door, I took the bottle of wine and a glass back to my perch on the couch, I settled in. The after high of my performance still keeping me upbeat, I allowed my eyes to soak in the dressing room. Noticing the heaping piles of gifts, Alice's costume racks, my eyes finally setting on the framed photograph of Alice and I.

We were younger, sophomore year at NYU, and we were smiling, happy, young, unknowing that one day we'd be in a whirlwind of my fame, my money, my music. I hated thinking about the past, and it was easy to forget that I was ever the mousy brown haired student in New York, dying to pursue music but too scared and shy and clumsy to have any hopes that I'd succeed. And even though my life was hectic now, and tiresome, It all came back to my love for my music, and my pure devotion to it in the end. And my unrelenting need to prove everyone wrong who ever doubted my ability, my potential.

But now I was Swan. I was avant garde-six number one singles in two years, 15 million in records sales, nominated for six Grammies. I was blonde, I was attention grabbing, and loved. I was known for my wild fashion, my wild partying. I didn't hold onto anything, except Alice, of course. And in the whirlwind of my life, it was so easy to compartmentalize my past, over look the unpleasent parts and forget everything and anything. It was like brown-haired Bella was someone in another lifetime. Someone weak. Someone sad, and trampled, and delusional…

Quickly shaking my head, and reluctantly breaking my trance on the photo, I picked up my phone, quickly dialing Jake's number.

Jake, part of the band Quilet, had somewhat of a similar tour schedule as me. Performing in the same arena tomorrow night, he had been in Tokyo since yesterday, and more than eager to get together with me so we could renew our frienship. I had known him since high school, back in my hometown of Forks, Washington. I never would have imagined that one day we'd both be traveling the world, on two very different yet equally famous paths.

To be completely honest, I didn't want to be alone at night. At night, I could think, and my mind wanders, and I just hated being alone. Jake was pretty, and funny, and easy, just blatantly easy to be around. He was like the sun, or like the most upbeat song. He was dark, and tall, and his entourage of screaming fans thought he was a bad boy, rocker, motor cycle, sex monster. Little did they know, he was a sweetheart- utterly laid back, down to Earth.

"Jake?" He answered on the third ring. "Hey Swan! Ready for a night out with the Jake-anator on the town I presume."

"Pshhh … more like are you ready for the Swan-anator, Jake. Can you imagine the headlines 'pops leading woman … and some guy .. spend the night partying it up in Tokyo."

"You've got to be kidding me Swan, your fame is miniscule in comparison to mine. Be ready in twenty minutes and meet my limo at the back of the arena?" Giving Jake a final reassurance of our plans, I got up pacing the room, throwing on my leather jacket, and shimmery leotard, with a pair of tall black heels.

I was going out. I was getting out. I'd make a scene, and I'd be relevant. My nights of touring were over, and I was going to eat it up while I could.

--

A half an hour later, I found myself propped up on a barstool, Jake sitting next to me, slowly sipping down my second drink of the night, our body guards nearby throwing us stern, serious glances of concern.

Apparently aloof, Jake turned towards me, his smile bright and mesmerizing .."so how do you feel now that the tour is over? Are you going to head back to Forks."

I nearly choked on my drink, eyes wide, gasping for breathe "No, no Forks for me. You know I just, I really hate it there Jake."

"Well Charlie's been asking me about you, and frankly, I can't get him off my back. He says he sees you on gossip sites, on the news, but that you won't call him."

Charlie was my father, stuck back in Forks, where'd he forever be while I was roaming the world. I'd been avoiding him, intentionally, worried he'd guilt me into coming home, or worried that he'd seen my antics of partying, drinking, craziness across the continents.

"Ugh Jake .. I'll call him … now that the tours winding down. He worries for nothing. He just doesn't understand what it's like to be busy, to be pulled in a million directions. He's just always been, well, .. Charlie… police chief … homebody." I scoffed, nervously, uncomfortable discussing my father, or Forks, or anything that wasn't here and now.

"Sure Bella. I'll let him know. Anyways, want to dance? I'm sure our guards won't be too happy but they'll get over it."

"Hell yeah!" I screamed, drink sloshing in hand, making my way to the dance floor, Jake trailing behind me clutched onto my waist.

As I finally reached the middle, I turned to Jake, breathless, smiling, full of life as the lights flashed across his face. We were so close, and the beat was thumping. And I could only think about how if I was back in Forks, I'd miss out on life. I was free.

Turning around mischievously, I pressed my back up against Jake, already moving to the beat. I felt his hand tightly around my waist, the other fisting my hair, moving it to the side, his breathes tickling my neck. I could feel Jake, lean, warm, familiar. I loved Jack, in a friend, familiar, sort of way. He could relate to me, and I to him. It was comforting, that someone from my past other than Alice could relate to me; be there despite the distance, the changes in myself.

I saw the sea of bodies, unfamiliar, comforting in my anonymity at the moment. Turning around to smile at Jake, something caught my attention.

A flash of bronze. In my peripheral. I froze. Not again.

I looked back in the direction, frantic, frantically worried, crumbling by the second. Hyperventilating. I was halfway across the world. I was different, I was unrecognizable. No way.

Until the bronze caught my eye again. I looked up at Jake. Noticing my expression, worry creased his brow. "Are you alright?

I was dizzy. I was lost.

"Yeah, hold on Jake .. I just … give me a second, okay?" I yelled over my shoulder, already making my way through the crowd, pushing, shoving.

"HEY AREN'T YOU .. SWAN?"

"YEAH IT'S HER!"

"OH MY GOD!".

I pushed my way through, ignoring the shouts.

I had the seen the expressions countless times before. Adoring eyes, glazed over, mouth hanging open, and verbal garbage attempting to get me to stop.

They loved me.

They were all the same.

They were empty, devoid. They didn't know me, didn't know what I had been. Could never truly understand.

I followed the bronze head in front of me.

I pushed the shiny blonde locks over my face, until I'd made my way to the wall out of the claustrophobic sea of bodies. Leaning, exhausted and panting against the rail, I watched the bronze head stop in front of me, drink in hand, stopping to talk to other friends waiting for him by the door.

I wanted to .. I needed to go over. My mind was telling me, no, that this was a terrible, terrible idea. But the bronze, unruly head of hair was haunting me, I was in Germany for hells sake, and it was still following me. Everywhere I stopped, I saw him. I saw him no matter what continent I was on, or where I was. I needed to get rid of him. He was stopping me from being free, from being happy.

Pushing off the wall, I took one last deep breathe, and teetered over to the bronze, incapable of stopping. Finally reaching him, his back turned to me. Lightly tapping his arm, I held my breathe as he slowly turned … waiting, hoping, and dreading.

But it wasn't him. It never was. No matter how many times I saw "him" it was always a crude, replica, a taunting reminder that I could never be whole again, never completely forget my life before. "Uhm … aren't you … aren't you Swan?" the imposter in front of me asked, his lip twitching in excitement.

"Uhm yeah … that's me." Half-heartedly, I gave him a weak smile. Dismayed, and embarrassed, and flustered.

"Can I have your autograph?" Quickly whipping out a pen, I wrote out a small message on the handkerchief he handed me, excusing myself as soon as possible after, so he wouldn't see the breakdown I knew was soon to crash.

Broken, tears falling, I made my way back to Jacob. The incident never happened. It was nothing. I was in Germany, I was famous, I had just performed for an audience of 20,000 and Jake was waiting for me. I whiped the tears from my face, sniffling the last of the remnants away.

"What happened? Jake says, concern etching his features.

"Nothing …. Hotel … please Jake…", noticing my smeared mascara, and distraught voice, he led me away. Immediately tucking me under his arm, and steering us towards the rear exit, just as soon as my song came booming over the speakers.

My voice was vibrating the floors. Words about him, being pounded in Germany, in Europe, in Australia, all over. No wonder I could never get away from him. He was everywhere, and my heart, my broken heart's lyrics were thrown around the whole world. I tried to forget. My attemps wwere comical. I was happy then sad. I was famous, then nothing. I kept it inside, but it always broke through like a dam. He was etched into my lyrics, my brain, my very fame rested on him.

I reluctantly stepped out of the doorway to a mirage of flashbulbs, pushing, shoving, running over to the limo and trapping myself inside with Jake. My heart pounding from exhaustion, another long night in an endless sea of fame, concerts, tours. Another night, started as Swan, strong, powerful, and ending in me frantic, questioning everything.

Jake knew better than to ask. He knew about him. He knew about my façade, and he'd spent far too many nights with me suddenly turning somber, that he knew better than to question it. He knew I was hiding from Forks and my past life. That I was a mess and trying to hide it. He knew the real meaning to my lyrics, he knew the real Swan, and it was far from comforting.

I had no escape. And as the limo made it's way to the hotel, I looked out the window and saw nothing but the blaring, nauseating lights of another strange, unfamiliar city. It was always the night times that got me. At least during the day, I could pretend that I was whole, all glimmering, shiny beauty, with my loud lyrics, and my smiles, my waves. But, Even with Jake's silent presence, and his reassuring hand on my leg. I was still alone. In the middle of the world, sinking, and alone.

Finally, arriving at my hotel, I teetered out, the monster that I was .. looking utterly deathly, as flashbulbs awaited my entrance. I was great at hiding my dismay, as I waved, smiled, blew kisses at the paparazzi. I was the worst kind of famous. I was the empty, fake, detached kind of famous-broken inside, adored, and loved, but broken, nonetheless, because one person in my past hadn't adored me enough...

But it was part of the reason I put on the facade after all. I wanted him to be sitting, at home, looking at me beautiful, famous, smiling, successful across the world. It was a slap in the face.

I made my way back into my hotel room, feeling so different than my last entrance, after my show just meer hours before.

I let my thoughts linger to him. It was the one too many glasses of wine, the image of the bronze haired imposter at the club. He was the devil, an angel, my hell, my heaven all wrapped into one. He was inspiration at it's finest. He sucked the life out of me … but spit life, meaning, into my music, my fame. I absolutely fucking hated him.

Heading towards the taunting lighst of my vanity, I sat in the intricate, girly, plush, chair facing the mirror. Crudely pulling open a drawer, I pulled out a bag. Spilling the drugs on the table, I lifted a portion up to my nose, sniffing. And it was euphoria. I was lost, and gone, and high from something other than the ups and downs of my painful music, my painful life.

The image in the mirror was of a girl I hardly knew anymore. She was beautiful, but heartwrenching. She was broken, with the remnants of tears upon her cheeks. She was sad, and lonely. She tried to be whole, forgetting the man that broke her, channeling her heartbreak from him into her album, her lyrics. But no matter what, he still broke her. She was angry, in denial, yet undeniably scarred.

Suddenly I felt sick, I felt dizzy, and darkness came over me. I watched myself go, watched myself wobble in the mirror. I gladly accepted the darkness. After all, it was the only time where it was actually peaceful, and I could truly escape.

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**xoxo**

**Please review if you read!**

**I'm un-beta-ed at the moment. Sorry for any errors. **


	2. Dreams, Reluctance & Home

**Updates will not normally be twice in two days, but I needed to get the story going if you catch my drift**

**I will love you forever & ever if you read/review!**

**It all belongs to SM. **

Rated M for a reason.

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**Chapter 2- Dreams, Reluctance & Home**

_I was smiling, beaming, another long day at work as I made my way up to the familiar cottage. It was stark white, brightness, against the dark foliage around it, encompassing it. _

_The pitter patter of my feet couldn't move fast enough as I made my way up the stone walk way. As I reached the door I was relieved, but I was nervous, anxious. I always felt this way coming home to him, no matter how many times. I fumbled with the keys, and barged my way inside. I was beaming. Over brewing with happiness. _

"_I'm home! Where are you?" I made my way into the family room, turning on the lights as I passed. Heart bursting, waiting to see him, be in his arms, comforted. _

_The scene in front of me stopped me short, I lost my balance. _

_There he was, on the couch, like I expected. _

_He was gorgeous, and stunning, his boyish face turned up into the most mocking smile, displaying the whitest, straightest teeth imaginable. His bronze unruly hair falling over his eyes, hints of brown caught by the light. And those green eyes, like evergreen, like the thick forest around our small, quaint house. As if the sight of him alone wasn't enough to completely render me speechless…_

_To his left was her__. Her blonde hair falling around her foolishly angelic face, those blue eyes looking at me, piercing me, snarling at me. Like I had intruded upon her, like I had somehow ruined her life. And then, a baby, sitting on their laps, sitting between them as they held hands. A family. _

_The baby had his hair, a gold shock falling across it's forehead, and the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen. Sparkling, mischievously taunting me. _

"_Welcome home, honey" He snarled, his bronze hair bobbing as he laughed, as I fell to the ground … broken … lost, and just broken. _

_-_

"Bella, oh my god Bella, honey, are you all right … please wake up." A sob ripped, just as I noticed Alice's familiar voice.

I was overcome as I opened up my eyes, met with the stark, blinding lights of a medical room. I was in a hospital bed, hooked up to a monitor, my chest racing in the aftermath of a nightmare.

Alice was to my left, holding onto my arm with dear life, pleading, tears warping her otherwise beautiful face.

"Oh … Alice. I'm so sorry." The tears flew freely now. "I wasn't thinking and I had a terrible night, and I never meant for you to find me … just please, please, say you forgive me … this has happened so many times lately, never again, I swear" I pleaded, excited, my heart rate picked up, and a broken sob fell from my lips.

"Of course I forgive you Bella, I just .. I blame myself" she admitted whispering, "I knew I shouldn't have left you, and look what happened! Bella you overdosed on cocaine! You told me you stopped! Every day I worry that I'm going to find you crumpled, and broken, and one day you're not going to be breathing, and how will I manage then?" She pleaded, shaking my arm in her hand. Her face matching mine, two friends, crying, broken, lost together.

"Just please, let me take you home to Carlisle and Esme for Thanksgiving, you need a break, you need to get away from this. You can't go straight to the studio off your tour Bella, you're not healthy! You haven't _been _healthyfor the last few years."

"Carlisle and Esme … you talked to them, do they know, about me? About what happened last nightt."

"Yes Bella!" She exclaimed, her arms flying up, clearly exasperated "When a major pop star collapses it TENDS to be on the news. They called me, frantic, worried about you, and Esme suggested we take a break. Come home with me, please Bella."

I was confused, and guilty. I loved Alice's mother and father, Carlisle and Esme, like my own parents. Esme meant everything to me, and I'd do anything for her and Carlisle's respect. I felt ashamed for keeping Alice away from them, and I despised Forks, but I knew deep, deep, down somewhere that I was sick, unable to work currently, out of commission for awhile. And I felt myself relenting.

"Fine Alice, but I'm not happy about going home. And I'm going to have to deal with Charlie now, ugh."

"What … wha .. I'm shocked? You gave in this easy? Who are you and what did you do with Bella or Swan … or whatever I should refer to you as these days."

"Ha … ha … real funny Al." I looked down, toying with the IV going up my arm, uncomfortable with the sight of needles, my own blood.

"What are they going to do with me though. No rehab, no .. fines, penalties? I'm alright, I feel fine now. How long have I been here?"

"Just since last night, I found you, and I called an ambulance. Luckily, the paparazzi weren't near, weren't expecting anything, so Jenks released a statement saying you were dehydrated, and over worked and collapsed. So Jenks talked to the hospital, basically saying you had never done any drugs before … honestly, I think he might have paid off the nurses, or the hospital, or something. This is really serious Bella. I knew you don't take your drug use seriously, but I'm confiscating it. I feel like you should be taking me more seriously" She declared her nose in the air, already looking adamant.

"You're really lucky you have Jenks and got off this time … pretty sure everyone back at home wouldn't want to see your mug shot, or your freaking obituary!"

Jenks was my producer, my all around God, he got me out of everything. I owed him big time, and was dreading seeing him back in the states where there would be … yelling … and I'd need to explain myself. The drugs were, not something I'd usually do, but lately, I was in a downwards spiral. I acknowledged the fact that this was a breaking point, and I needed to stop.

I laid back, looking at Alice sitting next to me, more relaxed then before.

I cleared my throat, "Al…" I whispered, nearly not getting the words out. But I needed to know, this was vital.

"He, your brother, you know … won't be there in Forks? Right? If we were to go back…"

"No, no, honey, you think I would bring you back otherwise? Carlisle and Esme were adamant that he was in New York, but they knew better than to tell me any details. They knew that if I knew his location, or anything about him, I'd seek him out, no matter the distance, and beat his ass. This is all his fault" She held up her tiny fist, emphasizing the point.

"Okay." I said, shut down, unwilling to discuss it any longer. "So when am I getting out? When are we leaving?"

"Oh, Bella … you just wait and see." Alice beamed at me, an elfish grin on her face.

---

"What the hell Alice! When you said we were going to leave soon I didn't think you meant, later today!"

After being discharged from the hospital, Alice shoved me back to the hotel. She had our staff pick up everything and anything, shoving our ten pounds of clothes into the bag. I re-situated the wig of blonde locks, and had my make-up redone.

There was no way in hell I was going back to Forks looking like ugly, brown haired, Bella. It had been years since I'd gone back. Once my tour, and career really took off, I vowed to go there as little as possible.

Nonetheless, I currently found myself boarding a plane, headed straight for Forks, Washington. First class seats, courtesy of Jenks made it somewhat better, despite the flashbulbs as I boarded the plane.

"SWAN. ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"

"SWAN. TELL US ABOUT YOUR COLLAPSE"

"SWAN, STOP AND WAVE FOR US, HONEY."

I ignored their catcalls, headed forward, finding two plush, spacious seats in the corner, Alice settling in next to me.

It was going to be a long day before I got to Forks, not arriving until nearly tomorrow morning. I couldn't even comprehend that I was really going back.

It seemed to me like a regression. Like I was relenting by going back. But I couldn't deny Carlisle, Esme, or Charlie any longer.

As little as I wanted to see him, as nervous as I was that I would see the strike of bronze in Forks, my love for the people back home, and guilt over my absence, caused me to give in to Alice's pleas.

I would only hope that Alice was right, that Carlisle and Esme were right. That Thanksgiving would go by without another breakdown. Because god knows if I saw him, there would definitely be one.

--

I was shoved out of the plane, into Alice's sports car, and headed straight to Carlisle and Esme Cullen's house, by an ever pushy Alice.

It was like sensory overload, like my rush onstage. All the places, all the people I forgot about on tour, or at least ... attempted to forget .. were being pushed into my face, all at once.

As the car made it's way through the streets of Forks, green canopy of leaves draping and hitting the limo as we cruised along, Alice turned on the radio … it was my song.

The loud DJ'S voice filled and echoed through the car "Now by special request we are going to play _Edward_ by Swan. Turn it up guys, number one jam of the year!"

The words filled the car … and Alice looked at me with worry, hand hesitating over the dial.

"It's okay," I whispered, squeezing her hand, as she removed it from hovering over the radio.

_And I miss you, and love you, and hate you, don't need you._

_I'm broken, pieces on the floor, green world, taunting me,_

_But I'm better now, and I've got me, at least_

_And I love, and I die a little inside, but that's better than feeling nothing_

_How does it feel to be so empty, Edward, Eddie, Love?_

_How does it feel to be so empty?_

My own mocking, taunting words, reflected back at me, as we pulled up to the Cullen house. The house was as big, as spacious as I imagined. Settled into a nook in the woods. I refused to look over at the abandoned cottage just down the path, next door,

Alice quickly turning off the engine, the radio dying away. With one last, sympathetic, familiar look at me, Alice opened the door and we headed out.

Esme came running out side, her shoulder length brown hair flying in the breeze. Her eyes, searching my face looking for signs of hurt as she came barreling up to me. From the corner of my eye I see Carlisle, standing in the doorway. As handsome as ever, really stunning in his fifties, blonde hair, smiling face.

Esme suddenly squeezes me into the tightest of hugs, breathing in my hair, "Bella, honey. I've missed you so much." she says

"Same here Esme," I smile, wrapping my arms around her, generally comforted by her genuine care for me. "I'm sorry I've been away for so long … you know how things have been." I smile apologetically.

"Of course, honey. Nothing to apologize for. We read about you every night, EVERY article. Let's get you inside, you look positively freezing." After greeting Alice, warm hellos, mother and daughter, all three of us head inside.

Passing Carlisle on the way inside, we hug, and he takes my hand looking down at me. "We are so proud of you Bella, I have a picture of you and Alice from an award show on my wall at my office. The interns want to know if I can get a lock of your hair, for them to sell on Ebay," he chuckles, jokingly.

"Anything for you Carlisle" I beam, pretending to pull out my blonde hair.

Carlisle was a doctor, a surgeon. But he was the most light hearted one I've ever met, always joking and being the easy going father figure. After college when Alice and I moved to Forks from NYU, they moved right along as well. Settling in Forks in their mansion.

When I moved back to Forks, Carlisle always used to sit with me, joke, laugh, read the paper. Then it all stopped, and I missed him terribly.

Surprisingly, neither Carlisle or Esme seemed to address that I'd written a hit song, basically tearing their son apart. I hadn't talked to them much since, fearing their anger, hurt, feelings of betrayal.

"Well girls, you might as well make yourselves comfortable … need any help putting your stuff away? We have a whole dinner set up, we've honestly been planning this, ever since Alice gave us some hope you guys might be coming home," Esme explained, already getting into her culinary mode.

"Really Alice? How long have these plans been up in the air, I've only heard about them yesterday, before we hopped on the plane." I teased Alice, and her scheming.

"Just a few weeks Bella." She smiled, grabbing our luggage and heading up the stairs, before I could question her any longer.

"You can have your old room, where you used to stay Bella." Esme yelled up from downstairs.

I began to wheel my bag to the end of the hallway. Alice went inside her room, and I could already hear drawers opening and closing.

I stopped in front of an open door.

I will not look in his room, _I will not look into his room._

I knew it was unhealthy, I knew it was bad. But I wanted to go in, I needed to go in.

I went in my room, placed the luggage on the bed, and came back outside.

Hesitating by his door. Unsure, but so so curious, to see what little scraps, what little pieces of himself he could have left inside when he visits his parents.

I opened the door, a loud creak emanating, and was immediately hit with the smell. It smelled like him, _just like him_.

I entered. It was the room of a boy, hardly a man. The bed was made, checkered blue sheets, light blue walls, wood desk flanking the wall.

There were no pictures, no clothes strewn about, nothing to show any signs that someone was here, that someone indeed had lived in this room.

Only one thing was left.

His radio.

I sat on the bed, situated myself right in the middle, and took the CD player with me, chord plugged into the wall, as if someone had just listened to it, left it there by accident.

It was the only thing of his, and I wanted to examine it.

I hit play.

_But I'm better now, and I've got me, at least_

_And I love, and I die a little inside, but that's better than feeling nothing_

_How does it feel to be so empty?_

I was shocked. I was bawling instantaneously.

It was me.

A home-made CD, the only track on it being, _Edward_, empty otherwise, but scratches on it, showing it's over use.

How did I come this far? How could love turn so quickly into hatred.

I am 26 years old. The love of my life, had cheated on me, used me, threw me away, got another woman _pregnant_, with his baby.

Yet I was here, five years later, a different person … almost, a persona, Swan, completely changed. I was sitting in his parents house, in the empty shell of his room, clutching onto his sister Alice as I traveled the world.

Yet …. I was still equally hurt, still equally in love, with a green-eyed monster. Edward Cullen. And no matter how far I got, in location, in appearance, in fame .. I couldn't hide, couldn't get away from him.

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**xoxo**

**Reviews make me want to write more angsty Bella.**

**:)**


	3. Betrayal, Escape & Crashes

**I'm sorry that this is a short one. I figured it was more important for me to get some of it done, then it being a particulary long chapter. Plus, I felt like it was dragging along at this point before Edwards arrival. PLEASE - read & review. You don't know how much it means to me. PPS. I probably need a beta in the near future. I edit it all by my lonesome at this point so please excuse any errors/types whatnot. **

**All content belongs to SM.**

**Rated M for a reason. **

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I woke up, startled, hours later. Covered in a pool of my own sweat, I looked around the room taking in my surroundings. I was in his room, the radio still playing my song on a constant repeat. Slamming the button on the radio and moving it aside, I sat up, noticing for the first time that I was neatly tucked in. _Alice._

Embarrassed and disoriented, I stood up on shaky legs, ridden with underuse. I made my way out, quietly closing the door behind me. With one last deep breathe, I flattened my hair and my clothes, knowing that I would have to face Esme, Carlisle and Alice, as I made my way down the stairs.

"There you are sweetheart" Esme said, wiping her hands on her apron, looking like the perfect image of a housewife as she stirred a large pot on the stove. "We're just getting ready for dinner; Alice went out to get me a few things." She smiled sweetly, as I sat myself down at the big wood table.

"Thanks Esme, its smells delicious." I smiled weakly, bowing my head, tired, and exhausted.

She looked at me pointedly, clearly noticing my distress and unhappiness. "What's wrong hunny? You look just …so tired. I know you've been working hard, and I can't help but notice how much you've changed ever since you've come back." She says, taking off her oven mitts, and seating herself in the chair across from me.

We sat in a moment of heavy silence.

"We can talk about, about…it …about what happened, Bella. It doesn't have to be this huge elephant in the room. Of all things, I don't want it keeping us apart." She admitted, taking my hand, compassion and empathy masking her features.

"I want to" I replied weakly, barely above a whisper. "But … it's so raw, and I can … barely handle it on my own, in my own head – and when I talk about it, it all seems so much more real. I've been so scared that you and Carlisle were mad about the song."

"Oh honey, no, no, no!" She let out quickly, pulling me in for an embrace, tears already springing to her eyes. "We could never be mad at you, you know that we consider you family. When you hurt, we hurt, no matter who does the hurting." She rocked me back for a second, my tears mingling with hers in our moment of understanding.

With a few last sniffles we righted ourselves. She chuckled, "Plus, I honestly don't blame you for writing it, it's kind of catchy and … and I only hope it made you feel better, let out all out a little."

"You have no idea…" I chuckled, pulling myself out of the embrace.

Righting myself after my moment of weakness.

"Now get back to cooking, you! Alice and I haven't had a hot meal since … last time we were here." I chuckled.

"But I really wish you two would work it out, somehow, I miss the way it used to be…" I heard barely whispered. Unsure if my ears were merely tricking me, I turned around quickly to Esme at the stove. She looked completely engulfed in her work. I wasn't mentioning the comment, and neither would she.

--

An hour later I found myself seated at the table, Carlisle, Esme, and Alice all sitting around me, making headway into the chicken dinner Esme made for us.

"Thrrris is sooooo ghoood" Carlisle said between huge bites, stuffing the food in his mouth, like he hadn't eaten in years.

Meanwhile, Alice and I made small talk with Esme, catching up on what we were doing on the road; tales of foreign places, past performances.

"And you wouldn't even believe this one time in China! The time Bella fell of the stage! " Alice exclaimed

"Oh I think we would" Carlisle said, the smile lines in his eyes crinkling "We saw it on the internet .. the video .. over, over and over again." He teased.

"Ha … ha … ha let's all laugh at Bella!" I said getting up to put my cleared plate in the kitchen, the chuckles and tinkling laughter of Alice following me as I made my way into the kitchen.

For the first time in a while, I felt relieved. Being with people who enjoyed me, old friends, was a breathe of fresh air in comparison to the multitude of foreign countries, unknown faces, that I was forced upon on a daily basis.

I stepped over to the sink, placing my plate at the top. On my way to turn around and make my way back to the table, I smacked my leg on the side of the fridge.

"FUCK … damn it … stupid clutz … can't even make my way out of the kitchen … no good for nothing … what kind of a famous pop star can't even walk …" I mumbled incoherently, leaning my head against the fridge in searing pain.

When the last of it started to subside, I brought my head up. Startled at the sight blurred in front of my face. _Bronze_. A picture was taped to the fridge.

I backed up a foot or so, transfixed. It was him. It looked like he was in the middle of Central Park, a row of bushes, the scenery of the city in back of him. He looked young still, his green eyes smiling at the camera, as piercing and full of emotion as they always were. The only indication of his age was the tension around his eyes, his mouth, only obvious because of the fact that I had stared at his face so many times.

But of course, it wasn't Edward in the picture that really blew me away, but the baby cradled in his arms. He was kissing its head, a tuft of copper hair across the small child's head. And if it weren't for the fact that the picture made it real, made my life even more heartbreaking, then I would have thought it was quite possibly the most beautiful picture I'd ever seen. The adoration in Edward's eyes was obvious.

Shaking, I reached behind the picture, removing the magnet and pulling off a white note tucked behind it. Quickly opening it, looking towards the table and noticing that nobody had yet noticed my lengthy trip into the kitchen, I began reading, quickly noticing that the elegant script was indeed his.

_Dear Mom and Dad,_

_I've been extremely busy as of lately, so please excuse my lack of calls/e-mails towards the family. Work at the hospital is better than expected, and I'm progressing quite gradually up the ranks. I was extremely sorry to inform you earlier that I couldn't come out for your anniversary; however, matters at the hospital and at home are often out of my control, and the hours can tend to be crazy. Luckily, I've received some time off, and I'm looking forward to coming out for Thanksgiving. I should be arriving on the weekend. Inform Alice that I'll be there. I haven't seen her in quite some time._

_Yours Truly,_

_Edward_

I was hyperventilating. I was crumbling. I didn't know what to do, and my initial reaction was that I needed to run – run as far as possible away from here. I was set up. I was set up by Esme and Carlisle, they knew he was going to be here. They did this purposely. The one time I finally come home to Forks in the last five years, they force me upon him. I'm sure he didn't want to see me. And I sure as hell, did NOT want to see him.

I flew up the stairs quickly, throwing on a jacket, grabbing my purse with my cell phone off the desk in my room. Quickly, I made my way down the hall, nearly tripping over the doorway as I scrambled in Alice's purse, pulling her keys out. She'd always mentioned that her car was as much hers as it was mine, and I was taking up the opportunity to use her hospitality.

I ran down the stairs, ran past the kitchen.

"Bella? Where are you going?" Alice looked up shock, worrying etching her face. She was already off her feet flying towards me.

Pulling my arms through the jacket, I continued walking, refusing to look at Alice as I made my way to the front door. The tears were an inevitable outcome of my stress, of this situation. By this point, I'm sure the mascara was pooling down my face. I pulled a hair through my blonde locks, tangling and pulling it between my fingers.

Throwing open the door, I took one last look back.

I saw Alice's confused and pleading face, Carlisle and Esme looking concerned, yet strangely guilty behind her. Esme acted like she understood my pain, understood why I had avoided this all for years. However, she really didn't. Nobody really understood my anger and the fact that I had never dealt with the pain, could never face up to it.

Esme and Carlisle shared a look of disbelief, as my eyes moved between their faces. I should have felt mad, or maybe guilty for leaving Alice in such a state after she'd been there for me, time and time again. But the only feeling bubbling in my stomach at that moment was fear. Absolute fear and anger, just thinking about what an interaction with him could mean.

My hand tightened around the door knob. "He's coming." I spat out, disgust marring my features. I ran out onto the steps, throwing the door closed behind me.

I couldn't think or worry about the confusion left behind at the Cullen house. I was in self preservation mode, as my feet flew across the gravel. I flew into Alice's stupid, stupid low seated sports car, struggling with the seat belt as quickly as possible. I threw the gears in reverse, backing out - backing out as quickly as I could in the winding, dark driveway.

I was hyperventilating, nervous, barely able to drive.

I knew I was losing control, I shouldn't have been driving under this condition but there was no turning back.

That's when I heard the boom. I winced. It was the crunching, halting noise of me hitting another car from behind, the other car head on. I was just about to exit the driveway. So close to escaping and now I was going to be held back.

"FUCKER!" I exclaimed.

Slamming the car in park, I took one last look at my blonde decrepit self in the mirror. I exited the car, ready to tell off whatever asshole was down this dark and deserted road late at night.

"Watch where you're going next time, seriously? What are you even doing down this road at night!" I panted, a tall, thin man exiting the car. Barely able to make out what the owner looked like as he slowly approached me in the dark.

"Well?" I screeched. Seething with anger that this person had left me in this position, helpless, trapped.

And that's when it hit me. It hid me hard, and I was stunned into submission.

Because as the driver made his way over to me, he passed the headlights of the car, a beam of light illuminating his face.

The only thing I saw before I stumbled backwards in shock, into the side of my car, were to angry, furious green eyes looking back at me.

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**xoxo**

**Gracias for reading. Till next time darlings, review!**


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